operation asphodel
by crimson and bare
Summary: Nico meets a new girl. But there's one big problem. She's a total Mary Sue - and she's totally obsessed with him. Next thing we know, Camp Half-Blood is overrun by Sue-worshipping zombies, and only Nico, Rachel, Percy and Annabeth can save them.
1. Delianora Delta Diamond

_A/N: Alright, I deeply want to continue this story, but, looking back, it was riding solely on parodying Mary-Sues and not on the quality of it. So, right now I'm reworking it. I'm reposting new chapters—as many as I can right now, and then new ones over next weekend. Thanks :)_

"I'm serious, Rachel, it was hilarious," Nico says, laughing slightly with his elbow on the table. "You have to see it."

Her lips twist upward into a faint smile. They've grown fairly close this summer—as Nico has become older and far less socially awkward. Okay, maybe not far less, but she's not exactly a social butterfly herself. He used to be petrified to talk to Rachel, seeing as she was pretty, probably in love with Percy, and a little overboard and self-assured. She also has that kind of steely look. But this summer has been going well. Everyone is growing up, moving on, and Nico is seeing sunny skies ahead.

"Come on; you know you want to," he continues, his voice turning into a sardonic whine. She taps her paint stained fingers on the table for a moment, as if contemplating it. He rolls his dark eyes.

"Alright, let's go watch Llamas with Hats Two on my laptop," she replies with a loud, exaggerated sigh.

"Yes!" Nico exclaims and she jumps slightly, knocking her paintbrushes onto the dinging pavilion floor. As she scrambles to pick them up, he whispers, "Yes."

People aren't very used to him being loud. He tends to lurk in the shadows, as a son of Hades would be expected to do. In fact, he doesn't like being exclamatory and outspoken. Being that quiet, collected guy on a motorcycle (and, oh, yes, Nico has one) has always been preferable to someone who has grown older and developed a cocky confidence like Percy.

Rachel sits back up, her eyebrows raised.

"Gods, Nico, I've never seen you so cheery. I can't believe it's about llamas sinking cruise ships…" she says, her lips twitching.

"Well, you know, I'm only comfortable enough to laugh when confronted with death." It's a joke, but comes from a true place.

He grabs his empty plate and stands up, taking Rachel's—from which she snatches her half-eaten cinnamon bun and lets him take the rest—and walking across the room to drop them off. He looks around at the hall of eating halfbloods. They all group together, talking and laughing. He notices how very alone he and the Oracle are.

Returning, Rachel has already gotten up, smoothing out her wildly patterned sundress. He cringed this morning when he saw it—does she has to be such a hipster? He supposes being a starving artist in Seattle after graduation has left such an affect on her. A ginger, a hipster, and an ex-rich girl. And Nico is that sketchy guy people steer away from on the streets. He opens the door and she walks through without saying a word, tilting her chin up snobbishly. She does it to mock him.

"Nico," someone says behind him, and he turns around to see Chiron. He should've known from the deep, Samuel L. Jackson-esque, thousand-year old voice. "I have something important for you to do."

Chiron towers above him, looking very serious. He towers above Nico, even though the son of Hades has grown quite a bit in the past four years. Something is off about him, but Nico can't quite place his pasty finger on it.

"Um… what?" Nico asks, looking up at him and trying to figure out just what is so creepy about him.

"I need you to go retrieve a young demigod," Chiron says, a little too intensely. His strange, slanted tone is more unsettling than his request.

"Isn't that what satyrs do?" Nico replies uncertainly, adjusting his black t-shirt over his torn jeans.

Chiron seems to have no answer. Nico would expect—if they so needed a halfblood—it wouldn't be one of the Big Three's children. They attract so many monsters that the poor, innocent new halfblood would be swamped and probably killed. Why not a nice daughter of Demeter? Like Stephanie. She doesn't give Nico the time of day now that the war hero thing has worn off, but she's fantastic with a sword, and not about to be a magnet for disaster.

"She's a _special_ halfblood, Nico. Very special," Chiron finally says, and while Nico doesn't comprehend his reasoning, as two powerful halfbloods would be twice as screwed.

"So where do I go?" he asks, glancing over at Rachel.

She shrugs, looking rather interested in their conversation. There's a strange smirk on her rosy lips, though he can tell she's a bit concerned. _Oh, mighty Oracle, do you have any advice on my plight? _He tears his stare away from her.

"Upstate New York, in the Albany Area, Forty-Four Terrace Court up in Ballston Lake. I'm sure you can get there in no time," Chiron says and Nico hesitates, unable to even summon words in his bewilderment.

"Yeah, uh, I _can't drive_," Nico says sharply, putting as much emphasis as he can on it. Has Chiron totally lost his marbles? Nico supposes it was only a matter of time, but why Nico? Why not go psycho on Percy or something?

"You'll take the Grey Sister's Taxi," Chiron explains, his voice still monotone. Nico nods slowly, taking one step backwards.

He and Rachel start walking out of the camp, passing all of the games going on. Suburns are everywhere, the forging of weapons can be heard loud and clear. A volleyball bounces over to Nico and Rachel, landing at his feet. He picks it up and eyes the demigods playing for a moment before chucking it towards them. It hits a tree and nails one of them in the face.

"Run!" Rachel exclaims excitedly, grabbing his hand as they burst away towards the taxi.

"Like I didn't almost die last time," Nico mutters to himself, remembering last time.

* * *

Nico leaps out of the Grey Sisters taxi, nodding at them in acknowledgement as he feels vomit rising in his throat. After a few moments catching his breath, he glances around the cul-de-sac. It seems so incredibly peaceful, nice mortals living their nice lives. It has that white picket fence, keeping up with the Joneses look. He feels very sorry for the poor demigod who is going to be yanked out of this.

He glances around, trying to find her house. But that proves unnecessary as he hears the anguished roar of a hydra. He then sees a girl standing in front of it, sobbing hysterically. Nico whips out his scythe and runs towards her, skidding to a stop in front of the demigod. He prepares to strike, but the hydra, going against all hydra instinct, throws him aside. He slams into some bushes, gasping for breath.

"Back away!" Nico orders the girl through shallow breaths, but she ignores him entirely. She tosses her ink-black hair, with obvious rainbow streaks.

"No! I can save you!" the girl says in such a daring and dramatic voice that it sounds artificial.

She runs forward with the speed of the Flash and kicks the hydra in one of its heads. It howls in pain and doubles back, but it doesn't attack her. It just takes it. Nico is breathless at this obscure sight.

She taps on her spiky bracelet and a huge, double sided, rainbow, buzzing with electricity sword pops out of it and into her hand. Nico squints, unsure if this is real or not. She slashes it back and forth once or twice and then grins. He's completely and utterly perplexed.

Nico's mouth falls open at the sheer idiocy of this scene.

What is this? What in Hades is going on here?

She leaps forward in a twirl worthy of Baryshnikov and lunges her sword into the Hydra's heart, completely bypassing all laws of Greek fact-ology (Nico had created a little name so he could avoid the thunder in the sky when he said 'myth'). She skips back and lands in a fighting stance, standing with her hands on her hips in a cloud of dust the hydra had become. Who gave her the right to break every rule ever?

He looks at her for a moment. She's pale but still manages to glow with life, almost as sparkly as a Meyerpire. Her body is shockingly flawless and her face is heart shaped and ridiculously perfect features. It looks like someone photoshopping reality for a magazine cover, but instead of turning out like J-Lo, she turned out like the wax figure of Paula Dean. Her eyes are a glimmering rainbow and her hair is like an ebony waterfall and streaked with color. She's not sweating at all, despite just fighting a monster. When she smiles, her teeth sparkle like a Crest commercial.

She's disturbing.

"Who are you?" she inquires in a light and fluid voice as she looks at him with intrigue in her creepy eyes. She seems more engrossed in him than should be allowed.

Nico breathes in and out, his shoulders rising and falling as he thinks of what to say to the freak.

"My name is Nico di Angelo, and you're something… special." He isn't sure how to explain that she was a halfblood, though 'special' just doesn't seem like the right word for such an oddball.

Her rainbow eyes light up as her lips rise into a stunning smile. He feels as if he's going to be sick, his hand over his mouth to keep from regurgitating his breakfast.

"I knew it!" she exclaims, rising on her toes like a ballerina. "I'm Delianora Delta Diamond."

Nico laughs. He can't possibly imagine such a stupid name. No parent on Earth names their kid that. La—a (la-dash-uh) is a more sane name than that. Holy Zeus...

"Okay," Nico chokes, feeling totally off guard, "Let's just go to Camp Halfblood now."

"Where?" she asks, raising her angled eyebrows in interest.

"I'll explain once we get there."

* * *

Nico leads Delianora up the hill as she looks at everthing brightly. She appears to have an expansive knowledge of each and every piece of wildlife. Oh, and did he mention the way birds start to sing in her presence, and all of the chipmunks surround her ankles. Is this Snow White? He feels a chill on his pale skin as she speaks, her voice so musical it frightens him. Nico is not afraid of death, darkness or monsters, but he is horrified of Delianora Delta Diamond.

Chiron is waiting for them at the top of the hill.

"_Please_, take her," Nico says exasperatedly, prying her fingers off of his hand, "_Please_."

Chiron nods deeply and gravely, not taking his old eyes off of Delianora. His face seems chiseled in stone instead of kind and caring. It's like he was taken over by a body snatcher, but the body snatcher was trying to be him in the wrong way. Personally, Nico would've preferred Chiron turning emotionless than two dimensional.

Delianora has taken the liberty of telling him the full details of her sob story of a life. It made him want to leap out of the car and roll over dead on the side of the street. He normally would've been sympathetic, but she was so overdramatized yet unaffected that it was sickening. She explained her agonies and sorrows as if they were beneficial personality traits. And to a complete stranger.

"Rachel," Nico shouts, running up to her while she's sitting on a wicker chair and decorating a sword with thin paintbrushes. She looks up at him with her emerald eyes and greets him. "Help. This bitch be crazy!"

Rachel clears her throat after snorting as she sets down her paintbrush. And then she sees Delianora Delta Diamond and bursts into a fit of giggles. She snorts when she laughs—Nico always mocks her about it, but now is not the time.

"Is that her?" Rachel asks innocently and Nico spins around in a panic.

"Where?" he demands, as, after three turns, he is confronted by rainbow eyes and a sparkling face. Did she get caught in a car wreck with a hair dye company and a glitter glue truck?

"Hi, Nico," she says lightly and melodically, looking over at Rachel, "Is she your friend?"

Rachel narrows her eyes, as if trying to assess the situation. Her lips are pursed. Nico can tell even she isn't going to be able to figure it out—Delianora is too strange. Even the Scooby Doo Detective Agency would have trouble unmasking this creep. And something tells him that she isn't just a crooked real estate agent—she's something far worse.

"Who's she?" Rachel inquires slowly, taking her time with each word. Delianora steps forward, looking ecstatic to introduce herself.

"I'm Delianora Delta Diamond," she says kindly, sweetly and amazingly as Rachel is biting down on her lip with great force, shaking with silent laughter, "And I'm an orphan. And I live with this horribly abusive family with my evil sister Molly…"

Nico rolls his eyes as he watched her burst into rainbow tears and sink down onto the ground next to Rachel. The Oracle keeps staring, looking speechless. Usually she has too much to say, but now it seems she can't summon the slightest phrase. She looks up at Nico pleadingly and he shrugs in response.

"And then I ran away but I was attacked by this big huge monster. And then I saved myself by using the bracelet that my birth mother left for me to use in an emergency. I'll never forget how horrible my life used to be." Delianora pauses for a long while before saying cheerily, "So when do I find out my parent?"

Nico smacks his palm on his forehead, already tired of her. She's such a freak of nature.

But the Delianora Delta Diamond problem is about to get much, much worse.


	2. That's No Moon  It's a Space Station

Nico is sitting in art class, working diligently on his project. Beside him, Annabeth is intently carving a canary with a hunting knife. He has no idea how that is relevant to making weapons and other useful items, but no one objects to Annabeth Chase. They both talk for short bursts of time, as she's one of the other few people Nico isn't awkward around. She's always been a great friend to him.

He is making a girafopus. It's a combination between a giraffe and an octopus. It's a recently discovered relative of the hippcampi from past years of breeding since the original days of the Greeks. Nico must admit that it's uncomfortable on land and in water.

And then, there's a sound behind him he can't ever forget. It's the delicate footsteps of the exquisitely sculpted feet of Delianora Delta Diamond. He cringes. She has stalked him relentlessly, like a blood hound mixed with a student loan officer. Her every waking moment seems to be dedicated to seducing him, also known as _making his life miserable_.

She is not his type. In fact, how could she be anyone's type? She's so flawless it's unattractive. Flaws are necessary—like frizzy hair, or a quirky personality, or ever-so-slightly crooked teeth from not wearing her retainer—_wait, _why is he describing Rachel? Bad Nico. He curses himself out in his head.

"NICO!" Delianora screams, wrapping her arms around his back. She plants a kiss on his cheek and he jumps up, knocking over all the arts and crafts supplies. Annabeth snaps at him before seeing Delianora and stepping back slightly. "Oh, Nico, don't resist me."

"I'm-I'm gonna keep resisting you." He backs away, pinned against the picnic table. There's no escape. His eyes flit towards the entrances, but he would have to wrestle her to get to it.

"I know you love me. I _do_. You wrote poems about me in your journal," she coos and he is rather confused. He doesn't have a journal, nor is he good at poetry. Once Rachel coerced him into going to a child of Apollo's poetry slam. He was laughed off the stage. She never let him forget it.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he says and she furrows her brow with a pout.

"_Yes_ you do. You _love _me, Nico and you _know _it!" she exclaims, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I really don't." She lunges at him, but she's suddenly thrown backwards in a flash of curled blonde hair.

Annabeth points a sword to her chest before Nico can stop her. It's highly probable that Delianora could kill Annabeth in one foul swoop. But his friend's expression is stony, which seems to even intimidate Delianora.

"Stay back. You can't force love on someone," she says sharply and icily and the freak scampers up, skipping away. She seems entirely unaffected, which is, actually, quite repulsive.

"Thanks, Annabeth," he says, sitting back down at the table with a sigh of relief.

"No problem," she says, sitting down and returning to her work.

* * *

"Alright, everyone," Chiron says, sounding very strange. "It's time to play some capture the flag."

There's cheering from everyone. Even Nico is excited about it.

"Annabeth and Percy are team captains," he continues and the happy couple high-fives. "Percy, Annabeth please choose your teammates."

Ever since minor gods were introduced, it's been rather difficult to organize by god. Annabeth chooses Nico first and he smiles at her, clapping her on the shoulder. It goes so forth from there. Neither of them have picked Delianora. She bursts into sobs of rainbow tears and Nico rolls his eyes. Not _again_. No one cries that much. How can tear ducts even hold that much?

"Annabeth, take Delianora." Nico groans and Chiron shoots him an admonishing glance. His behavior just gets stranger and stranger.

Delianora isn't wearing armor. She has a little bit of metal over her heart and a bow in her arms. He scoots over to her and says, "You're going to get killed with no armor."

"Oh, I have armor, silly," she says with a wind-chime-like giggle, "It's invisible mithril. You know, like in Lord of the Rings? I saw the first movie of that. I'm such a _nerd_. I'm like... Zooey Deschanal or something."

Nico's shoulders drop. Once more he asks the gods, _why me_?

They walk into the woods, prepared to battle.

* * *

Delianora is a moron with no sense of self preservation, yet she manages to evade all attacks. He can't believe this. She runs straight into the face of danger, and then somehow gets out of it. Nico and Annabeth have been sticking to her, both of them curious as to what she's like in the field of battle. Every time Annabeth tries to help her, Delianora flips her biscuit and starts shouting and crying.

They pause after fending off some opposing children of Apollo, slipping into a small cave. Standing there, Nico and Annabeth catch their breath, while Delianora stands there grinning. She's kind of like a Barbie doll in that sense.

"Is your hair natural?" Nico asks Delianora abruptly, mocking her.

"Oh, yes. I was born like it. Isn't that—"

They're cut off by an arrow whizzing into their hiding place. Delianora runs at them and starts hacking wildly. Magically, the enemies go soaring backwards. Nico runs forward and starts fending off the reinforcements. He clashes against them to the best of his ability. Hack, slash—damn it, Delianora.

Annabeth and Nico are forced into the creek, following after her.

"Maybe we should just leave her," Nico suggests with an encouraging smile.

"Come on," Annabeth says dully, seizing his arm.

They go running after the freak of nature. Reaching a bluff, they clamber over to her. Delianora is aiming her arrows at some fighting halfbloods below. When Annabeth and Nico arrive, she turns around and accidentally shoots, puncturing Annabeth's shoulder. She collapses to the ground, gasping and bleeding. Nico doesn't know how it happened, but Nico knows that there's something wrong.

He kneels beside her as Delianora scowls at him. She seems about as apologetic as Voldemort, and much less attractive.

And then, before Nico can signal for help, the sign of a god appears over Delianora's head.

He looks up, eyeing her closely. She grins as she stares at it.

It's a bright, rainbow, glowing star.

That's no god symbol he's ever seen.


End file.
